The proper disposal of cats

To the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

Dear Sir or Madam

I write to seek your recommendations for the correct procedure to follow in terms of cat removal. I am unclear as to whether the electrified fence I am planning to install should be the standard 20,000 volt version, or if I need to budget for the full 50,000 volts in order to ensure complete and instant destruction of the creatures as they cross my garden fence.

It does seem to me that the more powerful solution would ensure also that the beast would be reduced to potash, thus benefiting the soil and providing nutrients for earthworms and insects in the garden, so perhaps the higher cost would be justified also in animal welfare terms.

I know my efforts will help save the lives of countless small rodents and birds in the neighbourhood, but I do understand that you are not currently issuing any form of reward or civic recognition for the humane and complete destruction of roaming cats, so please rest assured that I am happy to proceed in anonymity.

Please advise also if you are currently offering any kind of grant or subsidy to help with the cost of the equipment, in consideration of the overall improvement in animal welfare it will engender.

Many thanks in advance for your kind attention and reply.

Yours sincerely,

Prod

The books in my house

We were assembling my new bed, me and Shon, and we were getting on very well with it.

I like having Shon to help me because he is a cheerful man and very flexible and practical. In fact, I sometimes tease him about the fact that he isn't married, because I think he would make a good husband and he would probably benefit from having a loyal wife at home, but he's getting a bit older now so I think he has to get cracking.

It came to the part where you have to screw in the slats, of which there were thirteen on each side, and after a bit I became bothered about the fact that they might not be at right angles to the frame.
"We need a book" saith I, to use as a makeshift set square, although Shon thought we could do it just using one of the slats. I really did think a book would be better however, so eventually Shon had to hand me one (because I couldn't get out from my position between the bed and the window).

He reached up onto the bookshelf and I did grin when I saw which one had fallen under his hand.

It doesn't surprise me at all, he explained when he saw the title, because Bibles are the only books you have in the house! Well, that's not strictly true, because I have got an adventure book about the Pony Express, two books about different types of trees you can find in England and in Italy, a book about various sea fish and freshwater fish, and also a book about a love story between two older people who visit Amsterdam, but it is true that I have nine Bibles, if you count the two in Italian (I'm not counting my New International Version of course).

So we put this Bible, which is a Study Bible with notes, against the slat and the bed frame and I couldn't miss the opportunity to explain why it's actually called a "right angle", going on also to mention the plummet and how it's all about being level and upright. I thought it was the Lord that had put the book in his hand, although Shon doesn't believe in the Bible and instead follows a kind of universal spirit energy that, according to him, is always flowing around us and can be harnessed using different crystals and metals. I think it might be true, but I can't seem to sense it personally other than in a general sort of way.

Finally, if you are, like me, a Bible believing person, I will also mention that there is no line and no plummet on a sphere - and hence no right angles. This is a matter that might give some cause for concern if you don't know, as I do, that the Lord's Earth is a flat and motionless plane and not a ball, as is sometimes claimed.

We eventually finished assembling the bed and it looks very fine in the small bedroom. I said to Shon that we might have to take it apart again and move it to the big bedroom if it turns out that the other bed I have ordered is a bit shorter and would fit better in the available space, but Shon just said, as he often does, that I need to have more faith.

Time

Time, saith he, is a construct...

I was freecycling a PA system on the Internet. I didn't know you could do that, but you can. As it turns out there were loads of people who wanted a free PA system, which made me realise I could have probably flogged it for  'na gambina, an Italian expression that I have adapted to mean one hundred coins of the realm, although the miserable alloy sterling coin is no match to the bright and glittering gold sovereign, issued in 1817 with a value of one pound.

Today, to purchase a single one of these coins would call for an outlay of at least 300 of their modern-day counterparts.

Such is life.

I suppose the only fair way of choosing between all the hopeful contenders for my PA system is by time of arrival of the incoming mail.

Or it would be, were it not the case that time is quintessentially a construct. So for one man it may be that four o'clock is, as it were, nine o'clock, while for another man, or woman... particularly the latter group for sure, we men are mainly on the level as I'm sure my brothers will mostly agree, it might be half-past four for a very long spell some afternoons and then six o'clock jumps to half-past ten in the blink of an eye and it's time to blow out the candle.

And how slowly does a watched kettle boil?
And how quickly does an unwatched saucepan burn?

But clocks, you say, clocks!
Fiddlesticks, says I, fiddlesticks!