Optimistically

 

I need a door sign (the photo shows my late father, Edgar, wearing my hat and standing at his own door, several years ago).

I have a large ship's bell at the door, but most people continue to simply knock. They are intimidated by the bell. Some people do dare to tinkle it - and it is eminently audible - but no one will actually clang it properly. If the bell is sounded to its full voice, it can be heard quite far afield and certainly in the shed, being a place wherein I sometimes am.

Since a man arrived at my house - and he a martial fellow - knocked meekly on the door and then, when I failed to appear (because I was in my workshop and unable to hear a light knock at such a distance), simply left, causing problems because he was here to fix a leaky radiator, I have decided I need a sign.
The signs outside Owl's house (in A.A. Milne's "Winnie the Pooh") would be almost perfect. 

As far as I can ascertain, the one beside the door reads

"Plez cnoke if an rnsr is not reqid"

While one on the door reads

"Ples rnig if an rnser is reqird"

I am writing "rnig" from memory, although the online text does not contain that misspelling. It may also be that Ernest Shepard's illustration does not precisely match the text, but I have been unable to find a legible image online.
In this sort of exercise the misspellings would have to be retained in honour of the old book. My mother was very fond of it and I - like my sisters - became fond of it too when I was a teenager. It even became fashionable for a short while to quote from it and to imagine ourselves characters in the quaint and innocent scenes depicted, but these were surely vain and fanciful notions. I wonder whether those sorts of books truly are written for children? And do they deserve the honour they receive?

Adults love them. The original Shepard illustrations have changed hands for princely sums at auctions. But it is just nonsense, all of it. A grounding in a life of meaninglessness, adoration of vain imaginings and foolish speaking.

While another book, truly deserving of honour and celebration, lies unopened and despised.

In truth, I think I will make a different and more useful sign:

Please ring the bell.
If I don't appear (garden/shed/out/dead), try "clanging" the bell by pulling the cord vigorously to one side.
Thank you


Of course, if I am out or dead the clanging will not produce me, but it might alert a neighbour, who can then say "he's probably gone on one of his walks", optimistically.